The Hunt for Love

Mornings are quiet.  I'm an early riser, and we are homeschoolers so the kids usually sleep later than I do.  That's one of the perks a parent enjoys when the children approach the teen years: quiet mornings.  I admit however, that I often miss, with bittersweet and tender thoughts, the crazed mornings, waking up to the sounds of soft cries from a hungry infant, or the sweet sound of the toddlers whispering "Mama, wake up".  Alas every stage of parenthood has it's bittersweet memories as well as new pleasures.  So, I accept their slumber without needing me for immediate attention, as I transition into a life that welcomes me to concentrate on work, even if only for a couple of hours in the morning :)

This morning was different.  When I sat down to my computer this morning, I found a note on my keyboard, directing me to find another note, which directed me to another, and another.  It was a miniature scavenger hunt, laid out by my youngest, my eleven year old son.

What was the final destination? What was the final note?
I wondered if this was a cute way for him to ask for something.  What was it? Pancakes for breakfast? A drive to his friend's house?  A new app for his iPod?  No.  My child just wanted to tell me....
that he loves me.

Wrapped in the final note I found one of our glass coasters with the word "Love" imprinted.

So this post became my 'work' this morning, after I savored the moment, and being one of these people who like to express emotion in writing, my first task of the day is to share how extraordinarily lovely my little boy is and how meaningful and wonderful it is to be a Mom.


I also left a little note-hunt for him :)

Life is fun.  Life is good.

Confession:  I sometimes wonder about my sense of purpose, my talent and potential to contribute to the world, and then I realize that no matter what else I decide to do with my life as my kids become adults - being their Mama is more rewarding than any other endeavor - ever!

♥

Sometimes I Doubt

Sometimes I mess up.
Sometimes I don't know what I am doing.
Most of the time I try to do the best thing, make the best choice, say the best words, dole out the right advice.  Some of the time, it turns out that it wasn't right.
Sometimes I know it's not right and I do it anyway.
Most of the time I do things that are best for you, my child.
Sometimes I realize it was really what was best for me - but all the time, I don't do that on purpose.

Sometimes I'm scared.  Sometimes I'm concerned. Sometimes I'm worried. Sometimes I'm terrified.
Sometimes I feel like the greatest Mom in the world - most of the time, I'm just winging it and hoping for the best.

Sometimes I base my parenting decisions on my own past - even though it is entirely different than your life.
Sometimes I base my parenting decisions on accumulated wisdom and experience, because I have learned, and I'm only trying to protect you and sometimes I second guess, afterwards, whether it was the right choice, despite that.
Sometimes I let you see my doubt.  Most of the time, I don't.

Sometimes I laugh at you because you are silly.  Sometimes I yell at you because I am weak.
Sometimes I smile at you because you are beautiful. Sometimes I cry because the time goes too fast.

Sometimes I am so proud of you.  Sometimes I am proud of myself.  Sometimes I am thankful that you are so perfect.
Sometimes I worry that you'll realize that I'm not.

Sometimes I wonder what you will be like in ten years.  Sometimes I remember what you were like ten years ago - which seems like yesterday.

Sometimes I am a really great Mom.  Sometimes I'm just a little girl, playing house, with real people, trying to do my best.

All the time.  All the time. All the time - I love you.

All. The. Time.

To my children ♥  Thank you for your patience, understanding, and love.

I Let My Son Watch Porn

No I don't!  Don't be ridiculous!  Well, except I am sort of guilty anyway.

I have always been thoughtful about the entertainment choices that my children have made over the years, as well as what entertainment choices of mine they are exposed to.  For example, I didn't watch The Sopranos while they were around, until just recently and even had reservations about many of the episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  As they got older, of course, things change and I worry about it less.

There's a caveat though... a nuance... a variable...
My children are now 14, 13 and 11.  They are very close in age and so they are very close friends.  They are into many of the same things.  They like similar music, television and activities.  There are differences of course, but their overall exposure to the "world" pretty much takes place around the same time for them all.  Until recently, I didn't really think about this too much.   And then I did.

See, my oldest is a full-on teenager.  And the next is only younger by a mere 12.5 months.  The concepts, ideas, images and 'dark' sides of life are more palatable for her maturity level, than say... my  11 year old who actually likes being a kid.  I hear that the youngest clings to childhood longer... or maybe its us parents who inadvertently cause that.  Whatever the case may be, he's a kid.  He's a good kid.  And he likes being eleven.  This means that some of the things his older siblings do and discuss, are uncomfortable for him.  This became really obvious to me just recently.

It was a live show by a local, up and coming teen comedy theater troupe.  These young actors are brilliant and talented and FUNNY - and they push the envelope.  They run a PG-13 show and from what I'm told it is indeed rated correctly.   I knew this in advance, but was completely comfortable allowing all three kiddos to go and enjoy the show and support their friends.  Theater kids are really cool like that!

Well, the older two really enjoyed it and said it was hilarious.  The youngest... he was a little stunned upon pick up.  He later explained that he thought it was funny and that it was definitely a good show - but there were parts that made him uncomfortable.  I asked if he didn't understand some of it (was the humor perhaps going over his head?) Nope!  He understood alright and the tone, inflection and facial blushing revealed to me that he understood more than he wanted to.  Geeze! What kind of Mother am I anyway?   No it wasn't even close to pornographic - I just used a grabby headline and you know it!  Point is,  I owned the fact that I lumped them all together and enjoyed a night out at a bar while they were at the show (talk about feeling like worlds worst Mom eh?)  and apologized for making assumptions that unintentionally caused him discomfort.

Well, lesson learned.   There may not be much of a difference when they are 6,8 & 9 but there is quite a difference when they are 14, 13 and 11.   I suppose we'll stick to the pre-teen improv comedy and theater for him, for a while and let the two that are actually over 13 do the PG-13 shows... And I'm cool with that.

Thoughts?   Similar experiences?   We are supposed to be the Worlds Greatest!  It's a high standard to live up to!

Men Are Pigs! But not MY boys....

Confession:
When I was young and dating, whenever a relationship with a man went sour,  I was not immune to the common scorned female mantras, such as "men are stupid, men are pigs, men are... (insert any string of negative commentary).  I suppose it made us girls feel better to highlight a perceived flaw in a man that hurt or annoyed us, and then generalize.  I never actually believed that ALL men were stupid or impulsive or lazy or whatever... But I didn't think much about making grande generalizations.  I mean, we've all done it, right?

Well I have children now, and two of them are boys, very close to becoming young men.

My Kids Will Not Use Facebook or Drink Starbucks: And Other Lies Parents Tell Themselves

Confession:
When my children were younger, and before they discovered social media, or had any desire to use any social media websites, I used to verbally lambaste the modern craze; and insist that children do not need to be connected to social media because it was potentially dangerous and unnecessary, and MY children do not and will not use it. (imagine with high-pitched, haughty windbag voice)

I was full of sh*t.  Well, the thing was that at the time, I wasn't.  I fully believed what I was saying, but I was naive,  The naivety however, wasn't insofar as motherhood inexperience, but simply in myself, not realizing that as much as I knew, I knew nothing; and as smart as I was, I wasn't.  And none of us are - no matter how much we are.  Confused?  Simply put: Life happens in phases and every phase brings a new set of circumstances to navigate with different landscape, different rules and different tools.  We learn as we go and intellectual arrogance is a faux pax.

But lets get back to the point...

First Confession

Here is why I started this blog: 

Because I read somewhere that it's best to be authentic.  Maybe I wrote that too, once upon a time, but the difference is that I was full of shit when I wrote it, although, in my own defense, I didn't know it until later.
I am a communication consultant - and I erased that statement twice and retyped it because here is how my thoughts happen:

I shouldn't say that because it makes me sound stupid.  If I communicate for a living this all might screw up my image.
My image? What is my image?  What am I trying to do?  The whole point of THIS blog is to be ME and express that in raw, naked authenticity. 
Why do I even need to share that with the world?  I don't really know, but I know that I need to.  I should.  I am called to.  Called? Hmm... Well on with some prolific tapping of the keyboard.  

Authenticity.  What does that mean?  It means genuine, real.  Not a faker or a poser or a phony.  So basically it is something none of us actually are; not 100% of the time anyway and you know, that's okay.  For real!

And that is what I'm going for here.  

Here is how it all unfolded: