First Confession

Here is why I started this blog: 

Because I read somewhere that it's best to be authentic.  Maybe I wrote that too, once upon a time, but the difference is that I was full of shit when I wrote it, although, in my own defense, I didn't know it until later.
I am a communication consultant - and I erased that statement twice and retyped it because here is how my thoughts happen:

I shouldn't say that because it makes me sound stupid.  If I communicate for a living this all might screw up my image.
My image? What is my image?  What am I trying to do?  The whole point of THIS blog is to be ME and express that in raw, naked authenticity. 
Why do I even need to share that with the world?  I don't really know, but I know that I need to.  I should.  I am called to.  Called? Hmm... Well on with some prolific tapping of the keyboard.  

Authenticity.  What does that mean?  It means genuine, real.  Not a faker or a poser or a phony.  So basically it is something none of us actually are; not 100% of the time anyway and you know, that's okay.  For real!

And that is what I'm going for here.  

Here is how it all unfolded:
I used to speak about natural parenting.  I ran a chapter of Holistic Moms Network back in Staten Island, NY when I was a newbie Mommy, and a poser. I knew it all even though I knew I didn't. I spoke at meetings, and I soap-boxed whenever anyone asked.   I'm actually a very good speaker.  I was in sales prior to having children and I taught motivational sales training classes.  I kicked ass at it so it's sort of a natural for me to speak.  Then I started speaking about vaccine awareness, specifically vaccine danger awareness.   I connected with Dr. Tenpenny more than once and I wrote strongly worded articles and gave informational presentations in small community parenting groups and answered questions.   I knew my stuff about vaccine dangers (still do) and I was on this mission to sort of evangelize all the unknowing vaxers anld make them "see" the light so to speak.  What a fool was I.   Not for the plight - but for the path I tried to force upon the plight.  
Anyway, moving along, sometime circa 2005 ish, I decided that I was going to homeschool my children.  Only I dropped the "school" part and replaced it with education because I wasn't doing "school" at home.   (I hadn't coined that concept until years later).
Yadda yadda and we moved from NYC to Tulsa, Oklahoma.   I meet people, join a few homeschool (eh-hem - home ed) groups and we begin to blend in.  (sorta)  Sometime in 2010 my friend asked me to do a radio show with her online.  Neat!  I did it.   We called it Unplugged Educators - as in "unplugged from the Matrix"  Clever, right?  Actually it was, only she dropped out to pursue bigger pastures for her life and I was having such a great time that I stuck with it and changed it to Unplugged Mom Radio.  It was AWESOME! (overused word? so what, I'm still a rock star) I had tremendous fun and I met more than a few really cool, smart and *authentic* people that I am still in touch with today.

The show was really one big RANT.   It was me on a mic delivering weekly diatribe about how god-awful the government education system was, why every one should pull their children out, and why anyone who sends their kids there is ignorant and needs to "wake up".    I chose guests to interview on a fairly wide range of topics, but always managed to steer the conversation back to how awful public school was and praise home education.   I was really good at it.  (I'm a communication specialist, remember?)  And the show did grow exponentially in popularity.  (I'm an excellent speaker and I'm great with theatrics so...). Here's that full of shit part that I mentioned earlier:  I made bold statements about nature and authenticity - but in my "real life" among friends, in my community, I was much more friendly, respectful and accepting of those whose children attended school.  I rarely, maybe never, directed rants toward people in the off-line, 3D world.  Why?  Because that is a f**ked up way to be and I was only a nasty bitch on the mic.  In actual reality I enjoyed getting along with people and ... Again... I COMMUNICATE VERY WELL... So I didn't usually go all 'Alex Jones' on the soccer Mom next door when she mentioned her kids grades in school.   

Fun fact: I was actually called "Alex Jones with boobs" once.  It was meant as a compliment, but I didn't take it as a compliment.  It was a red flag for me that forced me to start reconsidering my "public figure" image.

Yeah I had opinions, but honestly even those have been somewhat altered (not entirely) now that time had passed.  I took some time off and started writing a book.   I went back to the show, tried to refocus once I finished the book.  It is called "Don't Do Drugs Stay OUT of School"  Clever huh?  The cover looks like a marble notebook too.   The accomplishment of writing a book is something I'm still proud of, but if you asked me to rewrite it today, I couldn't and you'll figure out why in a minute, but lets stay on some sort of time line.   If you're still with me, thanks!  I might be typing to myself here so it's nice to think someone is listening :)

Here's what happened next: 

I published the book and that very same week I experienced the worst onset of anxiety I ever experienced in my life.  Sales were soaring and I was burying myself under blankets on my futon in my family room, paranoid because people were buying my book in Switzerland.  My husband was perplexed and rather aggravated and my kids didn't know what to make of me, their Mother, freaking out.  

Some speculated that it was the sudden spike in public attention.  Others guessed that it was the nasty threats I received via email that named my children.  Oh yes, that happened and it was horrible.  But neither of these was the culprit.  I wouldn't find out until much later that I was experiencing a sudden and very dramatic hormone imbalance due to early onset menopause.  I was actually post-menopausal.  Again however, I didn't find out until almost a year later (yes I went a year without a period before I finally decided to see a doctor)  I was 38.

This was major lesson in perspective for me.  I used to be rather critically judgmental of those who claimed to suffer from anxiety.  I certainly experienced it prior and held the strong opinion that it could be handled with the right strength of mind and dedicated focus! I didn't understand how truly debilitating anxiety can be; until Karma kicked me in the face with it and I was completely emotionally and mentally crippled.  I now have a clearer understanding and empathy for others experiencing various difficulties that I may not have understood before.   And truth be told, I was never a very empathetic person, but it is a characteristic that is developing with the wisdom of age.

Anyway, I shut down book sales and the show for another few weeks, until I stabilized.  Then, I went back on the mic, but it was never the same.   Some short months later I just packed up the mic, ended the show and that was that.  The archives are still available today but I am no longer the "Unplugged Mom."  I went back to just being an ordinary Mom.  

Fast forward a few months:
My husband experienced a major heart attack followed by quadruple bypass surgery.  Being that he is an independent business owner without traditional insurance, we suffered catastrophic financial distress, inevitable marital problems and everything else that comes with major life-altering complications.   To recover, we downsized, changed our lifestyle, move across town (not across the country again, just across town to another house) and started trying to rebuild and regroup.    I was still coming undone though, and pretty much feeling like the worst Mom in the world.

I decided to pray one day. 
I'm not a religious person, and yet I have tremendous faith - just not in the concepts that most religious people would think I'm supposed to have faith in.  Alas I'm quite comfortable with my brand of it, so I prayed.   That very night I went to bed early, honestly to avoid looking at my husband's face because I was infuriated once again by the endless fighting we were doing at the time, and I was checking my messages.   A good friend of mine from my political circles contacted me. (Oh yeah, I was also politically active and often involved in local politics).  She had become a campaign manager for a candidate running for office in an adjoining county.  They needed help with her public speaking and presentation.   We discussed a fee, agreed and I had a job.  I was thrilled.  I loved the work, I loved the client and it was exactly what my family needed to start climbing out of crisis and putting food in the fridge besides the nasty no-frills crap we were having to digest.

(Yes - I am a snob about my food.  I like to put high quality, and organic foods into my body and the bodies of my children.  Say what you will about it but it is what it is and I was glad to be able to buy brown, organic eggs for $4 a dozen and an organic bag of grapes again.  It felt awesome!)

Through that client, I networked and met others who also hired me to coach/consult with them.  I was rockin and rollin and life was good!

Then, after campaign season I slowed down.  I had been spending alot of time working and trying to hold my family together, and so our home education routine became  fractured for a while.   Of course the kids were learning - learning always happens, but I do place high value on academic education and intellectual development so it bothered me that we were slipping in that area.  Well actually *I* was slipping.  It was after alll, my responsibility and one that I took very seriously when I committed to doing it back when my firstborn was four years old.   So I focused on that once again, and volunteered at the children's community theater where my kids participate and tried to just pull us together as a family again.  

I took jobs here and there, but I sort of put a damper my consulting business.   I was uncertain.  Not in my ability or skill but uncertain as to whether this was the right time in my life -as their full time Mom - to concentrate on my professional development.  It felt necessary, but also selfish.

In a big way I am still struggling with it.  

I feel guilty for spending energy and effort on my own endeavors - speaking and the show and the book and then consulting - instead of being the full-throttle Mom I swore I was going to be.  The Mom that made the raising and education of her children the only focus of her life, until the kids were grown and on their own.  Why?  because that was the Mom I thought I was supposed to be.  The Mom I intended to be.  The Mom I believed I wanted to be.  The Mom I ranted about on the microphone, that all Moms should be.  And I wasn't that Mom.  I am not that Mom.  
I am typing this as I sit outside a public school gymnasium wherein all three of my beauties are in rehearsal.  No they don't go to this school and yes we still home educate but two of my beauties are in virtual high school (details therein are another confession for another post).  I'm the Mom that was dead certain about a decision I made a decade ago - and I've changed my mind because life experience offered me perspective, humility and my own education, and I owned it when I learned that I might not be all I thought I was cracked up to be... (or maybe I'm more than that).

My kids tell me that I'm the Greatest Mom in the World and I love to hear that.  Hallmark makes a fortune on mugs and figurines for all of us who are the Best Mom in the World because to our children, we do represent their world.   So I guess I really am The Worlds Greatest Mom.  But I'm fallible.  
I look like I have my shit together.  I act like I have my shit together and all things considered, I'm doing okay.  But I screw up, and I doubt, and I get frightened for their future, and I worry, and I stress and I wonder if I'm not completely screwing them up and if some counselor will blame me during a session with one of them 20 years from now.  I am really great in some ways, and really sort of suck in others.  Either way, my kids love me and I love them.  

And at 42 years old I was reading an article about professional speaking.  The writer focused on the importance of being authentic in our work and speaking about what we know and who we really are.  I thought about the radio show and how fun, but not entirely raw it was.  I wasn't being Laurette.  I was playing a part and while it was certainly influenced by me, I was playing the part of the "unplugged Mom.    Now, who am I?  Am I a communication specialist?  Well, to some degree that is true, but it isn't how I would define myself.   I'm a Mother.  I'm a committed Mother who keeps trying to find a professional outlet to reassure my insecure self that I retain value once my children are on their own.  Sounds pathetic doesn't it and it actually takes bravery for me to type those words into existence because they mess with my sense of pride.   But I'm typing them because now I am finally getting what everyone means by the mantra "just be yourself".  So here I am, raw, real, emotionally naked and as authentic as it gets.  

I am the Worlds Greatest Mom and the pages of this blog are my confessions.   

This is me, right now, eating a Tootsie Roll Lollipop, because I like candy.

Maybe you'll read more posts and if you do, thanks.  Welcome to the inside of my psyche.